Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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