i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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