This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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