i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
