her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
