at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Success! We fucked roommates!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
