i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
