On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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