Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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