and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
