my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
