my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
