between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We had to coat check the pizza.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
