My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
