I'm so fucking centered right now
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize