Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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