Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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