well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
