Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
