i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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