what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
