And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
