why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
is wine microwaveable?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
