They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
