I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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