This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
