I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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