It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
