ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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