This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
3 2 1 whiskey
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
