I'm going to jail i love you
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
