I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Everclear isn't food dammit
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
