She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
