i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
