So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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