whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
