i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
