I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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