Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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