i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the jesus of drinking
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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