If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
