Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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