I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
