Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
