Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
