i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
