Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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