WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
