yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
