Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
