I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
