Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
