this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We talked him into tasing himself.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
