We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
