May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
