I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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