I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
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do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize