So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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