My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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