when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i came on her dog
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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