Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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